So a few month ago I eluded that something had shaken me to my core....this is the story.
In June we found out that my husband's best friend and his girlfriend were (still are) pregnant. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. The shock wore off (quickly) and the deep deep sadness set it. In my head and my heart I was having a pity party. Here is a couple that I love, celebrating one of the happiest moments of their life and I am nothing but bitter. I had just turned 30 and the fact that we have been trying for 4 and 1/2 years made me so jealous.
Once I thought I had a handle on my sadness, a new friend would announce a pregnancy. Poor Artie would walk into the kitchen and know exactly why I was crying. Every. Single. Time. This summer has been one of the hardest emotionally for me.
We were on vacation in August and I was just waking up for the day. I woke up with the words "It is well within my soul" in my head. I rolled my eyes because, well I don't really know. It was like I WANTED to be unhappy. We got back from the beach and I was launched into crazy Heather mode. Busy from sun up to sun down. I really didn't have time to assess how I felt. Ever heard the adage "Old habits die hard"? One day I was looking at facebook and saw someone with a negative/complaint pregnancy update. All of the emotions surfaced and I was right back into pity party mode.
Every new baby or pregnancy announcement had me reeling. I was spiraling out of control with my emotions...so much that I spoke to Artie about maybe getting help.
I was standing at the kitchen sink, washing dishes when I heard the words "spoiled brat". I knew that it was God telling me that I was acting like a child.
Seriously. I needed a wake up call.
At that moment I said out loud " I CAN NOT DO THIS ANYMORE!" I needed to release that sadness/jealousy/anger and give it God. I needed something bigger than me to handle it. Later that day the word contentment started popping up in my head. Then I remembered a verse in Hebrews
Let your character be free from the love of money, being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, "I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you," Hebrews 13:5
Whoa. Be content with what you have.
Is that hard? Yes. Is my pain in vain? No. I simply look at the tiny hand prints on ALL the windows or the mound of toys in my living room and remember that there is a reason. There is purpose in my pain.
Repeat those words. There is purpose in my pain.
Do I need to prepare that Grayson might be our only child? Yes. Does that stink? Absolutely! God said he would never forsake you..not grant your every wish. Just because I want something doesn't mean that it is in God's plan for my life. The way Grayson came to us was not in my plan but look at how wonderful that turned out.
So maybe God's plan is cooler than mine?
The only thing I can leave you with is that I am a work in progress. I am still going to have sad days and I am still going to want more children. I fully believe God gave me that desire for a reason. But! Grayson is one cool kid and if he is it then-we hit the JACKPOT!
1 comment:
I understand your heart...I've been there, too. Praying for you right now. :)
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